Warriors' Notes for July 1997
~ Experiences and Thoughts: Page 11 ~
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Subject: Falling gracefully
This is going to appear, at first, as a very petty subject, unlike my
incredibly deep and poetic (yeah, right...), amazingly beautiful
(Yaaaawn...), uncannily wise (Oh! Shut up already!) usual postings. But
it does have a point. You wouldn't believe how such a seemingly unimportant
detail has kept this dry brain of mine going on and on and on during the
last couple of days. Even Pancho Sanza was most alarmed with my condition,
and was like this to taking me over and see a shrink.
To make a long story short, I got hold of some seminar notes. On them,
Castaneda refers to Don Juan's belief that a little virus coming into our
bodies should not be enough to do us for life. He said, according to
Castaneda, that such things could be overcome. One just has to welcome it,
to let it in.
In other words, one has to acquiesce. This refered me immediately to the
subject of the warrior's discipline, an issue to which I have devoted all my
energy.
The mood of Don Juan's words was so equivalent to what I have felt and
corroborated along years of work and discipline, that I couldn't help
feeling even happier than I was. I redoubled my efforts and somehow rested
assured that I was on the right track.
But the same notes contained a very disturbing part. Castaneda is teaching
a magical pass designed to ward viruses off. At a given point, he tells the
seminar attendants that one just should not let the viruses in. And then he
jokingly mimicks a person saying to a virus something like: "Come on in...
I'm welcoming a part of the universe!"
It was this little piece that drove me to the edge of insanity. I finally
reached the conclusion that he was refering to a very reasonable and sound
concept. It sounds pretty obvious, but it's not. Or perhaps we are so dumb
(I mean Pancho and me) that we don't apply it fully. I think it means that
one should absorb unexpected odds if and when they are present, as opposed
to going out and stupidly look for them.
And that's it. I was pretty well satisfied with my brilliant apish
conclusion, thank you very much. I patted myself on the back and got ready
to keep going.
Still...
Dammit! Something wasn't quite right. It just didn't fit. It was something
in the tone, not in the words anymore. Man! Why did I have to be born a
male? Men should have wombs and fluidity too! This brain is such a burden...
Mother, take this gray chalice away from me!
The third part of the notes linked to the subject turned out to be the
critical one. Castaneda showed up the next day and told the attendants that
he had been exposed to an air current the preceeding night and caught a flu.
He then said that he was going to execute the aforementioned pass to ward it
off. And he joked about not having a face otherwise to stand there and tell
them how sorcerers do not make themselves available to viruses.
At last, everything fell into place. The puzzle was complete. I had to
interpret this as an omen. The spirit was teaching a lesson to and through
the nagual himself. And it was simple and beautiful. The words had been
right, but it was obvious that he had exceeded the tone somehow, just enough
to catch a flu. And he did it so impeccably that a new lesson stemed from
this mistake. This is the meaning of being deliberate and impeccable. There
are no judgements or expectations anymore: you are humbled by your victories
and exalted by your defeats.
I can hardly think of an easier task as the one of discrediting large
chunks of a system, a person, or a group of people. I believe, like
Castaneda said, that a warrior is the only true scienist. The challenge is
in not leaving one single stone unturned. The reason why it's easy to
discredit big parts of a system or the totality of it is that we don't
really commit at doing it. On the other hand, if a serious, bottomline,
impeccable process of reflexion is involved, we'll end up seeing. Seeing
is direct knowledge. And maybe we won't like what we see, because it won't
match with our view of the world, with our expectations.
This is the very first time that I have really, soberly found a direct
slip in Castaneda's behavior. And it has a wonderful and terrifying value.
Not because I found it. The slip doesn't mean a thing by itself. However,
since the finding was preceeded by a deep reflective process which ended in
direct, undisputable knowledge, I now have the obligation of assuming
responsibility for it. I have to put my bet on the table. And the bet is
my life, my freedom.
First of all, why was I so afraid to admit it? Now that I see it, the
fear is gone. But it would seem that, deep in our thougts, we still crave
for heroes, for teachers, for naguals to come and rescue us because we are
so great. This is a basic part of poor babyism.
This finding hasn't led me to dramatism and superficial discrediting.
The nagual is gone. He's not here anymore. I believe this as much as I
believe that Carlos Castaneda slipped. And I also believe, with equal
strength, that he is an impeccable warrior. What I witnessed was a slip
from the thin, phantasmagoric human part that stayed behind to give
seminars, to teach Tensegrity, to keep the door open for those who want
to come out.
Seeing this has reinforced my conviction that the heart is the only
possible guide. I have to thank the spirit and the nagual for this slip,
this omen. And he taught us yet another lesson when he joked about himself,
saying that he didn't have a face to stand there with a runny nose unless
he did the pass. I call this knowing how to slip impeccably.
This apparently unimportant situation was a grain of sand on my path.
I had to turn it over and closely examine all of its facets. I must leave
no grain of sand, no diamond unturned. And this doesn't mean obsession. The
spirit itself will present us with our own diamonds, our own challenges
along each individual trail. Inner silence will make us recognize them.
I took the diamond, basked in the light of my favorite facet, and then
dropped it to keep going. Both the diamond and Castaneda slipped from my
hands. And they did it gracefully.
Enrique.
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